Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.