Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond