Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
sir, my pâté if you please
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies