People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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sigh
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
This is a whole mood;
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“i am a sweet baby”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.