They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products