I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.