I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
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me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Can. I. Help. You.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?