drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
courtroom exchange of the day
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”