My plans: 2020:
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*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff