Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC