hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
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God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
🤣🤣
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.