Aaaa…CHOO!
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That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.