I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Okay
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?