They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
me as a parent
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?