Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.