Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
plant them where lol
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.