Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.