I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
You Might Also Like
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
there has never been a better use of this meme
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.