*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…