[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My favorite farside!!
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.