What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
blocked.