Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.