i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
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For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Imma just leave this here…………
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??