I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*