*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
WTF
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers