Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
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I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Geez man, take it easy.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan