cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?