Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.