Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
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The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*