One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.