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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.