[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
You Might Also Like
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader