This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence