[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Salad is the decaf of food.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.