Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
There are no pants in heaven.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Möther may I have a snäck
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you