“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.