“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.