One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.