Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
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mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.