You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
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doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.