Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
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Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The Punning Dead.