“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks