I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
🙀🙀🙀😹
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.