when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.