Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}