If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.