Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I think the cat got the dog high.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation