If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
any last words?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”