all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
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if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
can’t bark with your mouth full
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
#growingpains
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”