911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.